3 Reasons You’re Not Communicating During Sex (& How to Fix it)

Finding it difficult to effectively communicate your sexual wants and needs with a partner? You're not alone! Sexpert Jed Biggs shares why that might be, and how to overcome it.

A conversation with one of my best friends inspired me to write this.

The conversation started with her hobbling into the room, like she’d just been hit by a truck. She went on to tell me that a couple of nights ago she’d had sex with a guy who happened to be quite heavy handed in the clitoral area. This left her unable to walk or sit properly for the next couple of days.

Of course, my first question was:

“Why didn’t you tell him to calm it down?”

Her response was:

“I didn’t want to tell him he was doing anything wrong, or correct him during sex.”

When it comes to sex, I’ve always been a very communicative person, so hearing this kind of stumped me. Thinking back, my need and want to communicate was definitely influenced by the experiences I had before I came out as trans.

I’m lucky enough to not have a long list of horrible sexual experiences, but I’ve definitely found myself in sexual situations that have made me feel uncomfortable or unable to express my feelings.

After these few bad experiences through my teen years, I decided to make it a common practice that with my future sexual partners I’d have as much open communication as possible.

To my surprise and dismay, I found that most of the reactions to this were that of shock. I’ve had multiple past partners express to me that I was the first person that had ever asked them what it was they liked and were comfortable with.

I’m unsure where this stigma surrounding communication within sex has surfaced from. Whether it be a sheltered upbringing, rubbish sexual education, or the fear of rejection/judgment, it seems that we as a generation really need to up our game when it comes to speaking our mind around sex.

As we grow older and experience more sex, I feel like a lot of people unknowingly inflate their egos and feel like they now have sex all figured out – but the truth is all bodies and people are different, we all have specific preferences, and we all like/dislike different things.

Imagine how boring life would be if we were all the same? But it feels like, when it comes to sex, we all expect to enjoy the same things.

Sex for so many is instinctively linked to shame and embarrassment among other feelings, and this is amplified when we don’t communicate properly with our partners.

There can be a number of reasons why people may be scared to share their feelings with their partners, but here are the three main reasons and how to fix them.

couple in bed

Reason 1: Judgement or Embarrassment

Although I’m a large advocate for speaking openly about your sexuality, I completely understand that it can be a scary thing to do. The vulnerability we feel surrounding sex is nothing to be shunned at, especially if your previous encounters have not been exactly full of open conversation.

If you find yourself not being able to speak with your partner about your sexual needs and wants, it may be time for self-reflection to understand what’s holding you back.

Reason 2: Not knowing how to approach the subject

You don’t always need to have a conversation during sex. Talk about it while you’re chilling on the couch or after a good ol’ make-out session. Reassure your partner that specific feedback isn’t the same as a personal attack on their technique.

If you’re wanting to introduce a kink to your partner, such as trying out bondage for the first time, maybe slip it into conversation over a fancy dinner or perhaps whilst you’re both scrolling through TikTok. You should never feel ashamed to talk about sex with your partner, regardless of the situation you may find yourself in. Normalise the conversation surrounding sex.

Bondage binding

Reason 3: Hurting the feelings of your partner

The margin for error when it comes to sex can sometimes be advertised as very small, with minor mistakes having rather large consequences. The reality is that sex doesn’t always go to plan, it’s just that when it doesn’t we aren’t openly talking about it.

Communicating with your partner about sex is always the best way to go for a more enjoyable sexual experience. If you’re finding it hard to speak with your partner or they’re refusing to listen, it definitely says a lot more about them than you.

You should always feel comfortable to share your feelings with your sexual partners, especially if it’s not just a one-time thing. Anyone that’s refusing to listen is most likely not deserving of your fine self.

Start communicating for a better sex life

Talk, Talk, Talk! Keeping an open conversation with your partner, or even just letting them know that you’re comfortable with discussing these things will guarantee that both of you are getting exactly what you want out of sex.

Being on the same page is an important part of making sex a lot more enjoyable and helps to avoid any awkward moments during. If you’re stuck on where to start with approaching the conversation as a whole, try taking baby steps. Throw a comment into regular conversation or guide your partners hand somewhere new during sex. Soon you’ll find that talking about sex with your partner feels completely normal, which it obviously should be.

It’s time to normalise conversations surrounding sex. Let’s start that change!