Finding Pride in Queer Identity

Finding pride in your identity can be difficult. Our guest writer Evan talks about his journey to self-acceptance and finding community and joy in his queer identity.

Finding pride in queer identity can be challenging when we live in a society that shames experiences of sexuality and gender that are “out of the norm.” I’m here to tell you that despite this, there is an accepting community and ways to find joy and pleasure in your queer identity. Keep reading to find out about my life experiences, as well as what I’ve learned, and my advice on how to find pride!

It wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows - I didn’t always have queer pride (and sometimes still don’t).

Growing up openly queer deeply instilled in me internalised feelings of homophobia and transphobia. I started my gender transition when I was 11, so I had some very significant experiences of transphobic bullying and highly invasive questions as a young person. This was traumatic and instilled a lot of negative ideas about myself and others that I’m still unpacking to this day. I’ve come a long way, but I’m still honestly hung up on some things.

For example, I’m not openly trans in most aspects of my life because it just doesn’t feel safe because of my past experiences. Most people in my life just see me as a cisgender gay man. Of course, no one has the right to have to know about these details of our lives, but I still wish I could find the same pride in being trans as I do with my sexuality.

In saying that, I have come quite far compared to even a year ago. I’m out to a few people at uni and I’m even being so publicly open now as I write this – yet so many people in my life just don’t know.

And I’m honestly not sure how they’d react. I’ve been outed against my will, and those people didn’t even believe it! I’ve had so many comments even from other trans people along the lines of “I never would have guessed” – which just feels uncomfortable, like yeah, you “can’t tell” when people are trans, stop assuming you do.

Or when I just say, “I’m trans”, people assume I’m trans feminine or AMAB non-binary (yes, this has caused a lot of confusion and awkward moments when dating). So, I’ve learned I need to be hyper-specific in explaining my identity. I have found being the bluntest and authentically yourself is the best way to “weed out the weak” – why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you for you anyway?

Gay and Trans Identity

There tend to be 4 “types” of guys I interact with when dating or in casual sex.

We have the fetishist; these guys are only interested in trans people and go out of their way to objectify and sexualise us without our consent. This is a highly uncomfortable person to interact with, and you can often tell from their language choices, and they often even state it on their profile.

The misinformed; these guys tend to not understand what being trans is and have a lot of questions. Sometimes they’re a bit too blunt or ask some odd questions, but they generally mean well and aren’t being malicious.

The disgusted; these guys only interact with you to tell you how disgusting you are and how you aren’t a real man etc. Honestly, just block these dudes and move on with your day, they aren’t worth your time and effort.

Finally, we have the neutral; these guys are just neutral and don’t really mind if you’re trans or not either way. This is in my opinion, the best kind of reaction, because it shouldn’t matter all that much.

So yeah, from what you can see, being trans in gay male spaces, can be a time and a half. We tend to be either very much embraced or shunned. It’s awkward and hard to navigate at times, but it can also be a lot of fun! It’s a great joy and privilege to be able to experience so many people and give/receive various forms of pleasure. To me, it is always worth “sticking out” because there truly are some of the most wonderful and accepting people out there, you just need to find them!

So… how do I find pride then?

It isn’t all gloom and doom! For the most part, being queer is a huge source of joy and pride for me. And reflecting on my journey brings me a great sense of accomplishment. I have two parting tips on how I found queer joy, and I hope they help you on your journey!

Community connection

Community connection has probably been the most significant factor in my journey of self-acceptance. Feeling connected to others who “get you” is so important in not feeling alone. And it also opens a world of new experiences and perspectives that you can share and learn from.

There’s a plethora of online community spaces, as well as in-person spaces in most areas. If I were to recommend anything, it would be to reach out to these communities and find out how to be involved. There’s nothing more fulfilling than feeling understood and belonging to something bigger than yourself. We are always stronger together!

Self-pleasure and exploration

Self-pleasure & exploration were other key aspects of finding pride within myself. Rejecting cisheteronormative ideas of pleasure and finding your own way is so empowering. For me, this was when I started using sex toys to explore my body and focus on what feels good, rather than what we’re told to believe we’re “supposed to” enjoy. This also included exploring a lot of kink practices and “non-conventional” forms of pleasure. Seek out what feels inherently right and natural for you!

I have also found great comfort and empowerment in finding trans-specific porn and erotica. Feeling like your body is represented in porn and erotica is so powerful in viewing your own body as sexy and powerful. When we don’t feel represented – we don’t feel desired, at least in my experience.

So, go out there and find your own queer joy in community and within yourself. Everyone deserves to feel at home in their body and with those around them. Make a commitment to yourself to allow yourself to experience queer joy and pleasure!