A sex educator’s plea: Please don’t use household objects as...

Aussie ingenuity knows no bounds, and, as it turns out, it’s not left at the bedroom door either. If it looks like a sex toy and vibrates like a sex toy, it’s a sex toy. Right?

That’s the thinking applied to Kmart’s $39 lactation massager, which is certainly stimulating something - but in most cases, not breast milk.

And it’s not the first time an everyday item has gone viral for this.

There was the Japanese beer bottle in 2025, the massage gun craze from a few years earlier, and this suspiciously shaped face massager.

As someone who talks about sex toys for a living, it’s got me wondering.

Why are people are so fascinated by using everyday products as masturbation tools?

Is it the novelty? The ease of access to everyday items (not that sex toys are hard to find these days)? Or are we so horny as a society that we see everything as a sex toy?

The 2025 Mega Kiwi Sex Survey found that 7% of Kiwis use household items to masturbate, including showerheads, pillows and toothbrushes.

And look, the showerhead or faucet in the bath, I can get behind. A pillow to hump? Sure! But an electric toothbrush? Well, this is where things start to get a little questionable. They have the potential to irritate your skin, and in some cases, even infect your genitals. The bacteria that live in your mouth can disrupt the natural microbial balance of your genitals and lead to bacterial vaginosis.

And there still seems to be a love affair with using food to get off too.

Every millennial has the apple pie scene from American Pie burned into their memories, and the grapefruit masturbation hack that went viral a few years back is still talked about. And of course, there's endless vegetables that can apparently be used as dildos. Looking at you, cucumbers, and bananas.

And I get it. I pick out my vegetables based on which ones I think will make the best dildos because it makes shopping a lot more fun. But I don't actually use them because inserting food into your body is a surefire way to mess with your PH balance and get an infection.

Why it’s much safer to use an actual sex toy

The thing about sex toys is that they are designed specifically for pleasure. That means they are made in suitable shapes, textures, and materials for your body. They have safe motors, smooth edges and nothing that can mess with your bacterial or PH balance.

While in this case, using a lactation massager externally isn't going to hurt, there are times when using an actual sex toy is definitely a better bet. Especially when you can get something almost identical for basically the same price.

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And please, I beg you, do not stick household objects up your butt

Every year there is the annual news roundup of crazy stuff people have put up their butts that they need to get removed in the hospital.

The rectum is not like the vaginal canal, which stops at the cervix. The rectum is part of the GI tract, which goes for quite a distance inside your body. And when something passes through the narrow sphincter muscles, it is very hard to get it back yourself.

Any anal toy needs to have a flared base to work as an anchor outside of your body to prevent it from going too far in. A retrieval cord or handle works in the same way. And this is why anal sex toys exist! Before you go sticking something up your butt, remember "no base, no trace." If it goes too far in, you will need medical help to get it back out.

So next time you see something online that vibrates, massages or looks suspiciously butt plug-shaped, share it, laugh about it and then check out your favourite sex toy store (heeeeeyyyyyyyy) because they probably have something identical that is actually safe for you to use.

P.S. if you want a pillow for sex, these ones will actually hold you in place to make those pesky but pleasurable sex positions a whole lot easier.

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