Negotiating a BDSM Scene
It's critical before the start of any scene that the participants have a conversation about and agree to, what will take place, which is important to keep ALL parties safe. Topics to discuss include finding out each other's previous experience with BDSM – is it their first time or have they been caned until they can't sit down many times. If they are experienced, what are their likes and dislikes – some of the most extreme masochists don't like their nipples being gently squeezed while others will hang weights off them.
A safe-word MUST be agreed on. The international BDSM safe word to stop a scene is "red" with "orange" being used as to confer "I’m ok with that level, but don't go any harder." The reason a safe-word is so important is that some people enjoy the fantasy of saying being able to say "no" or "stop," knowing full-well that the person will not stop (for me those words just encourage me 😊). Some people have an intense emotional release when being flogged and they cry uncontrollably - if I know that this is their reaction and what they need, I can continue knowing that I'm meeting their need. If need be I'll ask, "are we still green?" to reassure myself.
It's important for a "Top" to know if the "Bottom" has any medical conditions or injuries – particularly heart or neurological problems or injuries especially to the back or knees, for example I always require my submissives to kneel before their Goddess, so I make sure I know such things (I have knee pads for such occasions). Another question to ask, especially if impact play or blood may be involved, is if the submissive takes aspirin as this affects the blood's ability to clot. A heavy impact session could lead to massive internal bleeding in a person who takes aspirin, so it's worth asking the question.
Have both participants eaten and are they well-hydrated? Do either have issues with blood-sugar? Most of these questions are aimed at the sub but if you have a Dominant with health problems such as diabetes or heart problems, it may be worth considering this when it comes to bondage. If the Dominant passes out, is the rope tied in such a way as to allow a quick release and is it close enough to the subs hand?
Speaking of rope and emergencies, if you are using rope to restrain a person you MUST have some type of safety scissors. If a limb loses feeling, permanent nerve damage can result and I'm sure you'll agree that the cost of a new rope is far less causing someone harm.
Other things to consider are who will be involved in the scene; will there be any sexual contact; what are the hard limits – things that are definitely not to be done; soft limits – things that can be done in certain conditions; where will we play - in public, private, in a group such as at a play party; are there any positions which would cause you to be uncomfortable – physically or emotionally; how long is play expected to last; what are the aftercare requirements and expectations.
This list is by no means comprehensive, it's just to help you get started in a conversation to keep you both safe. As a top you are controlling the scene and it is your duty to ascertain all that you can to make it work best for you both. As a bottom you also have a duty to fully inform the top what you want, don't want, and what is safe for you to participate in.
It's best practice to do ALL negotiations BEFORE commencing a scene then to check-in periodically throughout the scene to see how the sub is coping. One thing I do before an impact session is to describe a 1-10 pain scale with 1 being so light you're not even sure if a feather touched you, through to a 10 which is the most pain you can imagine. Then I ask what number they'd like to get to today – that way I'm not assuming that everyone wants to be up around an 8 or a 9 - most prefer a 5 or a 6. The beauty of this system is that it is based on the perception of the individual and their own pain tolerance to determine the intensity. So, if I have someone say they want a 7 and I'm hitting them what I perceive to be pretty hard and they tell me it feels like a 5, I know they want more. I once had a new person who wanted a 5 so I started warming her up with some gentle bare hand spanks and for her that was a 5. I started to question my strength so the next person I did the same intensity and they said it was a zero!
So, get on and have those conversations, not just for the safety of the scene but for the enjoyment of all involved.
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