You’ve Had “The Talk”, What’s Next in BDSM Play?
Preparation
Preparing for a scene can be quite daunting, particularly if you are new to BDSM. Remember, this is your process, your interaction, that of you and your partner(s). It is about connecting and sharing an experience, creating the kind of interactions you want in an atmosphere of safety and consent. So, as a start think about what you and your bottom want out of it and what will you need to make that work.
Setting the Mood
Lighting is a wonderful way to generate a mood, but it needs to be bright enough, so you can see what you're doing. This is essential if using needles or rope. Softer or lower lighting sets an exceptional romantic atmosphere.
Music can enhance the atmosphere, if you want to flog a person into "submissive-space" you don’t want rap or heavy metal music - think about the scene and make an appropriate playlist.
The space
Is there sufficient room to do what you want to do? Maneuver furniture before beginning. Make sure it is not too cold or too warm. Curtains? You don't want to shock the neighbours.
Toys/equipment
Have them to hand, ensuring they are clean and accessible – don't start a rope scene then spend eternity removing knots out of the rope after its cycled through the washing machine. Nothing can spoil the ambience more than a stop and start experience.
Toys don't necessarily need to be expensive. If you are starting out and uncertain of personal and external desires. Explore what's in your home. For restraint play you can use belts, scarves, or even gladwrap.For impact play a simple leather belt is very handy as are wooden spoons. You are really only limited by your imagination.
If you want to delve deeper into the BDSM scene then you will need some introductory equipment. Blindfolds, wrist and ankle restraints, maybe a collar, a vibrator or bullet and a riding crop are perfect for bondage beginners! If you enjoy impact play then paddles and floggers which come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes and intensity are lots of fun. Experiment a little to see what sensation feels nice in your hand and what your partner likes the feel of on their bottom! A flogger with around 30 leather falls or tails of about 450mm is a positive place to start. Finally, condoms, lubricant, and cleaning equipment. Anything you play with will generally need cleaning afterwards.
There is no hard and fast rules to what you can and can't use in the BDSM world. Use whatever suits individual preferences of the participants in the scene.
The scene itself
I'll take impact play as the example here. I have written previously about my 1-10 system for determining intensity.
– See "Negotiating a BDSM scene"
It takes approximately eight minutes for the first hit of endorphins (the body's natural painkiller) to be released, so utilise this time as a warm up, using light impact with bare hands and lightweight floggers. You want to gently develop the pink colour of the area, which is a favourable sign you can start going a little harder (depending on the number the submissive gave you or course). During the warm up you want to avoid hitting the same place consecutively as this suggests to the nervous system that there's something to be concerned about. Going too hard, too soon or repeatedly hitting the same spot will cause a flood of adrenalin into the body and this will tend to shorten a scene rather quickly as the body gears up for fight or flight.
The fleshy part of the buttocks is a great surface for impact play, just be careful not to go near the kidneys (imagine where the top of their undies would be and don’t go above that) and not too many strikes below the crease of their butt – this is much more painful. If flogging the back, you want to work in a V-shape across the shoulder blades, ensuring not to hit directly on the spine or "wrapping" the ends of the flogger up over the tops of the shoulders onto the head and neck.
Once the submissive is warmed up you may wish to up the ante, to the pre-agreed levels of course, by adding in more extreme paddles, floggers, riding crops, canes and whips.
I always enjoy experimenting new equipment out on myself first as there is a big variance in even the most basic looking floggers and I like to know how everything feels before I try it on someone else. If you're brand new, spend some time flogging or caning a pillow to get the accuracy you seek. Don't forget to check-in to see how they’re doing!
Aftercare
Many people experience a varying range of feelings, thoughts and emotions after a scene that has tested their limits and boundaries. Kink, and impact play in particular, can be an intense experience and aftercare is the expected standard of post-kink scenes and experiences. It can be a gentle and slow exit from the psychological feeling of euphoria that BDSM often creates. The intense erotic and psychological experience can be expressed with tears, laughter, silence, mood shifts or emotion and can be felt days after. There may be cuddles, rehydrating and wrapping them in a blanket but it's a good opportunity to reflect on the experience. Aftercare is different for each person, and it's best to discuss what people need beforehand, that way everyone will get what they need and there is more chance of future adventures together!
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